once again, i have done it. just that i wasn't alone.

it's not stress this time. more of disappointment and loneliness. with a scattering of opposing opinions and a pinch of emptiness.

it's no longer the snappy bitchy me. it's the... unusually quiet. unusually down. and unusually listless me. i have no mood to snap at anything or get angry or pissed anymore. ill just suffer in silence. and bring down the world with me.

keeping things to myself. i know it's not the right way to do. but i dont think i should be bitching around anymore. ill just lose friends (which i think i already did). silence is probably the best policy to keep my social circle intact. no reason to affect others when problems fall upon me.

sighs. should have thought about this earlier. if not this second breakdown wouldnt have happened. i myself know the cause. but i shant elaborate. only samuel knows, and he only is aware of half of it. the other half i shant disclose. it's not anyone's fault but mine. no reason to blame other ppl.

i think jc life is really catching up on me le. 2 breakdowns in 2 wks is no kidding matter. my tolerance level hasnt filled up so quickly before. am i starting to give way under the impact of jc life? and losing my original tolerance level? i seriously hope not.

but then again, why would i have given in so soon? the only reason i can think of is cos im too much of a feeler le. i think abt stuff too deeply and take things too hard i guess. replica watches during these times, friends and family are what i need. but i took on the first one myself. now the second one is because of a lack of them. although i dont seem lonely, i truly am. extremely. so much so that i feel totally empty inside.

i feel that instead of mutual conversations, the only conversations that i have asre initiated and forced by me. i am too tired of taking the initiative. and having so much opposition as i do that. i talk to people for the sake of talking to people. i nv had zero topics to talk abt b4. or at least, something strong enough to keep people talking to me and not go back to their own cliques.

i thought i was pretty good in my standing in our class cliques thing, having thought that i can mix around with most people. how wrong i was.now as i can see, in the end, ultimately, im in none. a lonely one. thats what i am. even the clique that i thought i was closest too has just shown me these days that i dont actually belong to their group and they mix around with themselves.

does anyone know how big a blow that is? from being able to mix with everyone to the final realisation that actually, im not able to mix with anybody? no one that can wait for me to go canteen. no one to go with me to staffroom or general office when i need to go. no one to spend my breaks with. no one to sit next to me in tuts and lectures. out of school, no one to eat out with. no one to watch movie with. no one to kbox with. worst of all, no one willing to initiate conversations with.

i cannot take it anymore. i tried to hold it back cos it was in school and it was in front of samuel. now back in the privacy of my home, and as im typing this, i just got to release it...

actually i dont think it's a breakdown. cos im ratonal enough to think of wad are the causes. if overcommitment stresses me out, i can try to learn to cope and take it well. but if even friends desert me, i got no one to turn to anymore in times of need. i value friendship really deeply. a lack of it is just... unacceptable. ive had a horrible experience before, i dont wish to repeat it. please.

thanks samuel for being there this afternoon. if not ill feel really helpless. it's only in front of you that i can release it out. cos i think u understand. sorry for breaking down completely. i know u havent seen me like that before. sorry.

but...will others understand?

ps. actually i dont really think i want others to read this. cos i dont think it's their problem. blame it on me if i just cant get close friends i guess. i got to stop being like that. collapsing will not help matters. i dont think anyone really understands. they probably think im just a crybaby who crys for the simplest reasons.