Thursday, May 18, 2006
actually wanted to train till 75% de, but since i stumbled upon kg's blog, so decided to post loh. maple can wait.
so can chem ilp, phy test, gpp, maths tutorial.
i wonder if my mum is correct. one night she suddenly like randomly tell me not to get addicted to games. then i was telling her i wont be the kind who will play then not eat not bahte not sleep stone at comp whole day that kind. then die off de. but to think again, arent i spending too much time on it already? i used to be able to cope with my ccas, cos there were no games and it was just school, ccas, class. (a bit no life, but thats besides the pt) then now with the intro of playing again, i feel that ive compromised my studies for it... at least i havent reach the stage that i wanna pon cca to go back and play. not till that bad yet.
so i hope i really can control myself during the hols and really dont just stone in front of comp the whole day la. on the no-life side: got block tests. on the got-life side: can go out with ppl, go kbox, movie, shopping wadeva. so why choose a machine over all that? haha, im actually scolding myself. weird. but nvm, blogs are not meant to be very normal anyway. when ppl tok abt themselves and their lives, contradictions happen.
ok, a mini side track (though v impt).
last sat b4 jts i went with my mum and her fren to "shop" (oh the young boyboy days where i tagged along wherever my mum went). actually it's just to change a pair of pants. then her fren saw me, the first line SUPER hurting la. "wah, your son getting a little plumper ah." thankfully my mum learnt her famous reply from so many yrs of defending me getting niaoed, "oh, he's tall ma, so nvm one." but hey hey hey, that line is embedded into me liao. im going to do something abt it. hopefully it works out.
it's abt 1am liao. and i havent done wad i was supposed to do today, my ilp. i dunno wad im actually going to do now exactly. pia or slp? ill decide later. but as u all know, being the lagger, confirm leave till tml one la... sianssss. and tml got comm serve, doubly sianssss.
i feel that i can cope with my ccas currently as long as CO and guitar can be understanding for the clashes. but the reason why so is because ive been giving up a long of chances for lots of stuff because of that. im getting a little afraid. on the more practical side, wad if my ccas hinder my want to go try other programmes and i end up with a empty testimonial/portfolio? so many things have gone by me, no matter wad seminars, srp, nrp, centad, h3 maths, chem olympiad, phy olympiad, ocips, all sorts of projects etc, countless. and everything i just brush them off with: im not that interested. but i wonder, is that doing me gd? and im absolutely sure half the people that sign up for these programmes are not the kind who are: OMG i have to get involved in science research. i simply LOVVVVVE science. -or- WOW, maths is like so cool, i wanna be a mathematician in future! i shall use my whole life to attempt to prove that 1+1=3!
you know, that kind of thing. im really lost in wad i wanna do. do i want to make a wonderful portfolio and aim for a scholarship of any sort? or do i want to truly enjoy my jc life in doing things i like, and making the best out of it non-academically? im caught in the middle now. and the losing end of it, pretending to want to enjoy jc life purely yet worrying abt wad ill get out of these 2 years. i think ive exercised my choice-making not really to the optimum, so still wondering hmm. but for now, since ive made the various decisions, i shall stick to them, and even if dont get scholarship nvm lo. many successful ppl do not need to be superb in studies, or even the so called all-rounder: studies all full marks, president of ccas, excellent conduct, friends simply love him/her, juggles everything better than a clown.
haha. consolation i guess.
and back to kg's post. i think my results arent exactly fascinating either. in fact it's nowhere near acceptable. i guess ive been too slack. yes i told myself, this yr in jc, i must get more of a life, and not go and study/do hmk/do ilp/revise that kinda thing. (not that i used to be liddat) but now, my results are a bit worrying. what if block tests are like that? or even worse promos? dont tell me i got to retain for 1 yr. so im really a bit scared la, in some sense. of cos i dont expect to top the class (it's like impossible with so many zai ppl around), but at least be a bit above average, and get results im reasonably satisfied can le. that kinda thing. my own standard ill say. if i reach it im happy already le...
ya. so jiayous to myself and everyone who doesnt wish to retain lol.
and abt telling myself to be more sociable and stuff, i really dunno if i have improved or anything. actually im stoning here for abt 1 min la, cos i really dunno what to say. i think im still relatively ok with the class (i think), but somehow i just dont fit into anyone's gd fren list. im just like everyone's aquaintance, and thats it. i really miss the times where ppl can initite convo with u, and come to u to tok or crap and stuff. how many times do i get to hear my name everyday? it's practically less than 5. because i end up being the one calling ppl's name and trying to talk to them. i really dunno whats wrong leh. perhaps i just dont leave an impression in ppl bah. in 5 yrs time, mebbe no one in the class can rmb me.
or even mebbe i try too hard. just meng try to initiate convo, but everything gets stony halfway and just fades off. it's that kind of i ask, you reply monosyllabillic answers and the convo ends. is this still considered little? or im trying too hard? why cant ppl rmb me or anything. im like super insignificant to ppl, to society, to this world.
mind you, im not asking ppl to like call my name everyday. it's just an analogy of how ppl tok to me instead of the other way round.
i think i cant be funny or entertaining or anything, so thats why ppl just fade away from me easily. i hope i can find a grp of ppl, no matter how small, that go for the inner part of ppl, with more care, share, thinking. something thats deeper within urself and not that superficial. pardon me for using that word.
i looked at the previous line for 3 minutes. forget wad i said. im just made to fail in inter-personal relations. just lemme indulge in my own miserable world.
*as night gets later, moodiness increases*
Kelvin's Law
voodoo-ed and killed at 12:34 AM
Saturday, May 13, 2006
omg. the bitchy me is coming back. this is bad. it's not a good thing when i blog too much. cos that means i got lots to say.
anyway just want to clarify yet again. my pw grp is not at fault ok. no one is. seriously.
voodoo-ed and killed at 12:19 AM
hey blog. disclaimer: im blogging now in a fit of pissedness, so pls dont blame what i type here. im expecting a lot of "relac la" comments as well. but who cares, im in pissedness now.
hohoho. had a mass convo just now. how nice, everyone like spamming, quite nice la lol. at least ppl are tokking. then i ask who wanna go out b4 jts, got ppl quite clear cut give a "NO" like kwang guan (lol), then got some u hear from their WoW talk is know surely wont go de la.
so left with ppl who dunno if they are even going now. i realise something abt msn mass convos. we nv end up in proper things done unless the ppl in the convo are really focused. like for the past dunno how many times,
chanel handbags in a mass convo, i ask ppl, "um i go bathe now, can discuss blablablabla first?" then when i come back, i dont see a trace of any discussion done, not to say even a continuing constructive discussion. worse still, i come back then totally no action at all. like they think im deaf. or they blind cannot read la.
people nv get things done properly on msn man.
thats why im really scared abt my pw grp. they seem to support msn discussions quite a lot. but from wad i see, we are nv going to get anything right. im not being overly serious here or anything, but hey man, when it's time to discuss, can u pls jolly well DISCUSS and not DIGRESS? i know they bloody start with a D and end with 2 S but that doesnt mean u have to be an ass ok?
oh mind u hor, im not saying they digress until i pissed or anything hor. it's no one's fault i can pin point till now yet. it's just this overall feeling i get. it's like... whee. we come on msn to discuss. then 5 min waste time crap abt the day, ok nth wrong with that. wad abt 1 hr in, and progress is still zero zero zero?
there are stuff we can come in, finish the business and tok kok blabla and it's still the same wad. must it be the other way round and tok kok until no time for proper discussion, then end up either anyhow settle for something or postpone it? you bi yao ma?
im just not in a good mood now i guess. next wk's stress is building up on me. everything sqeeeze into 1 wk. are we superman and superwoman? please. be a bit more considerate leh, school. argh, wads done cannot be undone. expect to screw the next wk up.
a pissed me signing off. (night times are the best for pmsing.)
voodoo-ed and killed at 12:04 AM
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
i guess in the middle of the night is still the best time to blog. i think everyone give up hope on my blog le la, so long nv post le. cos too many things have been happening and revolving abt my life, and i hardly have anytime to blog.
as usual, man cannot get their priorities right (shuddup chun kang :P), and im blogging when there are TWO tests coming up tomorrow. and i havent even started revision on maths at all, while econs is half bucket (ban4 tong3 shui3).
anyway, heck care abt it first. as i was saying, ive been speed-blogsurfing just now, skimming thru all the links in our class blog. caught quite a few issues + some of my own that i wanna tok abt here.
first lets do the IN quiz first! kg has done it, so has wj and wensi. dunno abt others lol.
my life is 64% perfect.
[x] You know someone that cares aboutyou.
[ ] You have a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ fiancee/husband/ wife.
[ ] You have your own room.
[x] You own a cell phone.
[x] You get good grades.
[ ] You have an ipod/ mp3 player.
[x] Your parents are still married.
[x] You have more than 2 best friends.
[ ] There is a swimming pool in your backyard.
[x] You live somewhere other than a box.
T O T A L: 6
[x] You dress how you want to.
[x] You hang out with friends more than once aweek.
[x] There is a computer/ laptop in your room.
[ ] You have never been beaten up.
[x] You never cry more than twice a month.
[x] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.
[ ] Your room is big enough for you.
[x] People don't use you for something you have.
[x] You have been to a concert.
[x] You laugh more than twice a day.
T O T A L: 8
[ ] You have over 100 friends on friendster
[ ] You have pictures on frenster
[x] You get allowance.
[x] You collect something normal.
[x] People don't make fun of you to be mean.
[x] You look forward to go to school.
[ ] You don't wish you were someone else.
[ ] You play a sport.
[x] You do something after school.
[x] You shower daily.
T O T A L: 6
[ ] You own a car.
[x] You usually don't fight with your parents.
[x] You're healthy.
[ ] You've never had a cavity.
[ ] You are happy with your appearance.
[ ] You aren't self-consious at all.
[ ] You have never got a failing grade in your life.
[x] You have friends.
[x] You have so many inside jokes with friends.
[x] You know your parent(s) care and love you.
T O T A L: 5
[ ] You know what is going on in the world.
[x] You care about sooo many people.
[x] You are happy with your life.
[x] You usually aren't sick.
[x] You know more than one language.
[x] You have a screen name.
[ ] You own a pet.
[x] You know the words to more than 5 songs.
[ ] You don't have any enemies.
[x] You are happy you're living.
T O T A L: 7
Now count up the number and multiply by 2. Then repost saying 'My life is % perfect"
i guess it's quite low cos of the very fact that i dont have a room lol. bro and sis, hurry get married leh! just kiddin haha.
was looking thru wensi's blog and thought that pictures really make the blog so much more interactive... as people say, a picture's worth a thousand words. how true. i must get a phone with a cam that can transfer to comp la. if not so wasted sia. lots of nice moments only able to keep in ur mind, and may easily be washed away and fade away...
about the class issue... i really got nth to say le. i mean, if ppl think posting on the class blog is something thats like very pointless and serves no meaning at all, so be it la. at least they are concerned about it and feel like expressing their concern and coming out with forms of analysis.
chanel handbags why bother to voice out that the posts are useless and theres no point in them. i think that the very fact there are ppl posting shows that the class still has hope, isnt it? we still bond together and are willing to face the problem. wads the use of saying lots of sarcastic statements and keep saying posts are useless. (im not only referring to one person)
but mebbe... no need to be like so harsh or anything la. ck relac, kg relac. everybody relac. i think just leave it at that. ok, there are bound to be ppl who are cynical abt stuff. so, just ignore and continue to try and solve the problem? i mean, trying to solve it is better than doing nothing abt it, or even worse, rejecting everything suggested. as i said, i really feel some ideas are implementable (not tokking abt pi here -.-), and can be done. so why not try them out? i dunno, but could there be a class meeting or something one day after school, so we can thrash things out? online conversations/interactions are just so insincere and ineffective, as ppl will tend to beat around the bush and get mad over different issues, also replying to different issues, causing nth to be done in the end.
then... came across sam tan's blog abt the co bbq. i dont really feel like elaborating abt it la, it's nth much. but definitely, it has helped me to feel more for HCJCCO loh (ok dont gimme that crap abt high sch and college merging, i just like this short form)... just like how the interact camp in march hols made me feel more for interact club as well. and i have to admit, CO here is not as close as CO in TCHSCO... theres a serious lack of interaction ill say. and if u really want to know other ppl, either u must have previous contacts in the relevant sections, or u must try really really hard to get to know them. many ppl make use of the former, but i dont have that and im just not gd and dealing with the latter. social skills arent really my strength. but i guess ill have to try isnt it? after all, it's gonna be my core cca for the next 2 yrs. so lets hope we get bonded more closely together and not just be a cca where every session is done in 3 steps: come,play,leave.
tokking abt ccas, my long-existent dilemna is back to haunt me. in the form of exco elections. i did not bother for the interact exco, cos after ryan and samuel left interact due to council, there arent really many ppl for me to want to stay in it. the only ppl that im still staying for is perhaps wenjie, peishan, and the kids im tutoring at fei yue. it's not a prob abt service, i know i can do it. still trying to get the kids to listen to me, though hopefully they like me already. it's moreo f commitment. cos ever since this term, my timetable has been such a way that thurs end really early (1pm). then while ppl all think of wad to do after school, i know i cant do it cos of comm serve. so i feel quite left out and stuff la. and as u know, i really care abt frenship and ppl acknowledging my existence is really impt to me. (for instance, really glad that wenjie "included" me in his post abt the class, i hope it's me anyway, unless theres another hao hao around the class? and when wensi said that im the one thats not going out with the rest when i was just commenting abt deren going as well to ben n jerrys, i felt a tinge of...sadness.) so somehow i feel very slack and always want to pon liddat. think its cos of this terms timetable la, if it was like last term end at 4 on thurs, i shouldnt have a prob... lets hang on till term 3 and see bahs.
then guitar vs co. both im not willing to give up. thats why when i ran for guitar exco last fri, i was really stunned when the pres made me account for my commitment to either cca and questioned my ability to handle both of them. actually, i feel quite stupid to have run for guitar exco since co is my main priority. in fact, i shouldnt have run if my heart was with co all along. and mind you, it still is. it's just perhaps like wad i mentioned earlier, how the co here is not the same as b4 in high school, and the bonds to the cca is not as strong, but nevertheless, i still want to serve the ccas im in and hold a position to enjoy the cca experience better. definitely, it'll make me find and explore more about hcjcco and allows me to take away a lot more than what i could take away being a normal member.
tml's co elections part 2. im really very scared i wont make it. and i have this feeling that ppl will question my ability to commit again... esp after i stupidly ran for guitar exco. but i really want to let them know that, even though i put co over guitar, my pure reason for running for excos for the ccas im in is really to want to belong to the cca. i want something more than just going for practice and go home. organising work, meetings and having stronger bonds to ccas im in, thats what i want. i really hope ppl can understand and gimme a chance to take away more from CO, from HCJC, from life, from myself.
voodoo-ed and killed at 12:34 AM
Monday, May 01, 2006
i must say again. man ALWAYS cant get their priorities right. take me for instance. i just spend 2 hrs on my PI 2nd draft and totally havent touch my GP compre due tml yet. i got a strings concert to go to which starts at 7.30 means i gotta go by 6.15, and yet im blogging. of all times manz. how ironic.
er.. ok. change of plans haha. my bro said he's gonna send me to the nearest mrt. leaving b4 6. so i GUESS man do get their priorities right after all =)). ok, i gonna speed bathe and zao liao. if i ever finish my gp tonight then i blog. how ironic.
(actually i could havbe deleted all of these. but just to make "last blogged" date be 15 days ahead. lolx.)
voodoo-ed and killed at 5:27 PM