hmm haven't blogged in a while. well i've been meaning to, seeing at i'm at home for the past few days cos i'm on att c due to my swollen-ankle-worsened-to-foot-to-almost-leg-then-recovered-back-to-ankle-and-not-seeming-to-improve condition. ok i practically just summarised my condition in one line.
sigh just when i was starting to feel a bit happier at the fact that life seems getting a bit better. then have to be struck by this problem. docs also cant really determine the cause, just dismissing it as a skin infection. so stayed in alexandra hospital for 3 days under drip+antibiotics before being able to go home, on att c.
yeah yeah, i know i should be happy that i'm on att c, can no need go back camp and siam stuff etc, like guard duties. well, though in one way that is true, but i feel quite bad for activating the reserves and stuff. and who knows how many duties i'll have to make up after i come back? and i dont get to bid farewell to those ppl nov ord, and for some, what if we hardly meet again. it's kinda sad u know. i already feel it when ppl like foo tell me how he and the rest felt when the leopard ppl orded last fri. well though i wasn't there, but i can feel something still loh.
and i hate this condition now. ok la, im DEFINITELY not some health freak or what, as anyone can tell from my diet and my size, but i experienced the long period of building back up my fitness after my major illness with my blood platelets back in feb 08, so i understand how tough it is to catch up. plus my fitness isn't good at all to start with, and i absolutely detest exercises that strain my arms (mainly sparking from the fact i'm not a strong guy to start with, and my size la). knowing of future ippts coming up though my chances of passing them are slim and close to none, as well as wanting to tire myself out once in a while, i actually do like light jogging and swimming. i feel it gives me time to think abt stuff and listen to music and even relax in that sense (although the irony is there whereby i'm panting and sweating like crap).
but when u are down with a condition like this, there's nth of this sort u can do. just when i was beginning to gear up for some running around my house area on days off now that im taking more days off away from camp. so i'm like
chanel handbags stuck with a swollen ankle and having difficulties walking, not to even mention jogging or running or doing anything strenuous, and seriously that sucks. feeling discomfort and even pain when just standing in front of the sink brushing ur teeth and washing ur face, sometimes i even resort to standing on my good foot.
so i'm desperately praying for it to go away soon. im not someone who wants to try every opportunity to chao keng, so though it seems good for me to take a break from camp and all the shit i gotta do in there, in some sense i wished i never had this, so i dont have to feel the guilt for other ppl doing my guard duty (like larence who had to do my wkend one, and hz who now needs to do the day before his ord),
the frustration that i cannot walk properly and having my fitness deteriorating by the day, just getting fat and useless,
the regret that i cannot see fellow platoonmates ord and say some last encouraging words to those who i might just not see again for a long long time, it's like i never got the chance to say goodbye properly,
the anxiety in what's lying in store for me after i go back, whether i can cope with the pt and if ill have to make up guard duties like siao, or will i not have a smoothsailing ord cos of various reasons,
the sense of dread that i havent got the chance to go for my driving lessons for like close to 3 wks, and how on earth am i going to get all my practising and confidence in time for my TP. and how badly i'm going to fare when i go back for my first lesson after such a loooong hiatus. it's seriously very worrisome now, and i'm oh so prepared to fail liao. it's probably a miracle if i pass now,
and the emo feeling that i always get when things like this happen. i don't like it when all ur plans just shatter like this. i seriously seriously hate it. now everything has to be replanned, and there are just some things that are different once changes are made. a broken vase can be mended again using superglue, but the cracks will forever be there. it is just like that. i dont like feeling useless. i want to do the things i want to do again, not be restricted by this stupid swollen ankle which just refuses to subside and hinder even my basic movement. that sucks totally you know.
argh, i guess i'm just feeling angsty. i dunno what i'm ranting anymore. life just likes to play tricks on you. i dunno how to get around it anymore.
as i'm typing, the heavy downpour outside my window is slowly subsiding into a drizzle. when will my ankle do the same? and will i ever get to see the clear sky again. even if i do, how soon?