wanted to blog yesterday. but was to tired when i came back and bathed finish at abt 1. super tired, like totally no energy. i practically crawled my way into the bathroom and out. i wonder if i bathed at all lol. anyway, why was i so late?

cos i went to my dad's third uncle (my grandpa's 3rd younger bro) funeral wake at pasir ris. i chionged home at 7+ after learning and teaching some guitar stuff with sean after guitar prac, and everyone was all ready to go. so i gobbled down my dinner (thankfully i have above average eating speed), and was done in abt 5-10 min.

i shant elaborate much abt what happened there, cos there really wasnt anything much to say. basically we just sat around there, eating peanuts =.= and sweets (the typically kind la, those who attended b4 should know). then they served some food. bascially lots of relatives catching up. however, the whole "experience" yesterday gave me quite a lot of thoughts. haha this also brings in a little abt my family past i guess.

thought number one. abt how little relatives i thought i knew. thru out my years on the earth, we always go to specific houses for cny. so under my impression, i only knew my parent's direct siblings as my relatives (my uncles and aunties basically). but yesterday, there were at least 30 to 40 relatives that were related to my dad, mostly HIS cousins. thats not to mention all their children, which added another similar bulk of ppl. so did THEIR children, which made it one generation younger than me.

i come from a family with much older siblings, havbing an age gap of 11 and 13 yrs. thats why both my bro and my sis can rmb ever so vaguely some of the uncles and aunties around, as our whole family lived in the kampong in the past. for realyl quite a long time i guess. at least 10 yrs for my siblings. so they have this roughly familiarity i guess.

after we all split up into hdb flats and went our separate ways, contact became minimal, perhaps even none at all. thats why i have nv seen so many our my relatves b4. just a random fact, my dad's 2nd uncle had 11 children. imagine. thats how many grandchildren and great-grandchildren added together.

this provokes some kind of feeling in me. a form of what i would say "ignorance". like i missed out on the kampong days and eventually missing out on lots of memories. and that has finally answered my questions on why sometimes im treated like a "stranger" to my relatives. cos i have nv seen them b4! and they dont rmb me either i guess. and also i understand why my uncles and aunties (whom i know, and go to bai nian for cny) treat my siblings more closely than i do. louis vuitton handbags im almost not their generation, to put in a certain way. 11-13 yrs is enough to make a lot of difference to me.

but i cannot blame them or anything. it's nobody's fault. in fact it's not a fault at all. it's just. i didnt exist during those times when bonding and closeness was established in the kampong, thats all. yupp. so it's ok if i just cant relate to my relatives or cousins lo... after all, i havent been in much contact with them anyway.

this again provokes another thought in me. abt how some of my frens they know their cousins so well and add them on msn blabla. go out, watch movie. like super duper close frens. as for me, the only thing i know abt my cousins are their names fitting their faces. dunno hp no. dunno email. dunno bdae. nv go out. nv chat. nv sms. nv celebrate bdae. only meet during 2 occasions, cny and my grandparent's death anniversary.

suddenly i feel that im missing out on a hugggggge part of my life where other enjoy. i cant help but think of one post by wenjie not long ago with some pix of him playing at the void deck with his cousins. i can rmb this cos i rmb chatting with him halfway when he said he was going to accompany his cousins to go downstairs to play. and i know how close chee yang is to his cousins, who supports him all the way in his css days (which is like now still la).

to make it kinda worse, my siblings dont seem to experience this at all. they can relate to my older cousins (20+ la, not really old) so well, always chatting and tokking during such occasions. but me... i dunno whats happening. think it's my own fault i guess. i still can remember ever so clearly in the past past past, when me and my cousins were playing toys and having lots of fun... but now, we all "matured" and just greet each other politely and leave it to our parents to tok tok tok while we just stone at a corner, eating some tidbits and drink lots of soft drinks.

as though we are drowning our "sorrows" in "wine".

i dont really know if anyone of u reading can understand. but im starting to think of the "consequences" if this goes on. it'll be what the previous generation is experiencing now, their children knowing no other relatives due to the drifting apart. worse still, without the inital togetherness in the kampong. and im one of these "victims".