why am i so weak. why am i so helpless. i just cant seem to get rid of the depression that seems to embed itself within me.

i just cant help but to collapse under stress. why is it such a big factor in my life. i know i can do it, but i dunno why i just fall facing stress. am i really that weak? or alternatively, this is a form of relief from something even worse?

i may just be talking nonsense and making no sense. i dunno. but i know that im metally exhausted and thinking is not in my dictionary. i feel that i have been through so much today. no it's not tests it's not hmk or anything to do with school. it's more of my ownself.

i dunno what i want out of my life. i wonder if i should live my life the way i am now. there are a lot of areas for improvement i know. but i wonder if i can commit myself to all these changes. and be able to work out something better in my life.

there's this chance now right in front of me that im supposedly able to do it. sounds too good to be true? i dunno. but it implicates a lot of other consequences which im not sure if i can handle and take it as a "sacrifice" to my choice. ironically, the chance should be removing me from my problems isnt it? so im like really stuck.

and tonight's conversation with wee chern has increased my stress level tremendously. i dunno why i take the things said and discussed in the conversation so hard? why do i so strongly believe in it? am i so domineering that i expect him to agree with me and i get agitated when he refuses absolutely to? maybe, u know, just maybe that might be true. then why am i such a person? why do i need to have people agreeing with me?

so i came out with this possible answer that might fit with my personality. am i having an inferiority complex that i can only confirm with my own views when there are people who do? is it that bad that even my thoughts have to be affirmed by others? i know i lack a sense of leadership and resonsibility by being the youngest, and that has led me to lose the self-esteem even only childs will have. im losing both aspects is it not?

this is just a very crappy post. im not thinking at the moment, my mind's a total blank. i just dunno why i have to take wee chern so seriously? why do i hate to work for nothing? like explain a whole lot to find out that he had been keep a neutral stand all along. is it such a big deal?

ill answer that, yes. i feel so. to me, neutral viewpoint is the most despicable ever. yes i do it all the time, i dont deny im despicable at times. but now when ppl gimme a "neutral", thats when i really feel the anger of it. if someone has negative views, even my whole lot of explanation will at least make minimal impact on his thoughts, chanel handbags even at the very least. but to keep something neutral, can anymore be agreeably neutral or disagreeably neutral. no u cant. theres only one point in the whole "scale" of being neutral. and being at that point has caused me a total waste of time to have said anything, cos if u are neutral, no matter wad side is asserting its point, there cannot be any deflection in mindsets.

all the work for nothing. will anyone feel happy about it? especially doing it after a whole lot of thinking and pondering abt an impt issue that concerns one's life u know that?

i almost feel like giving up on beliving anything u know. it's just so hard to keep holding on to it when people just shoot u down easy, pushing u over as though u were a sheet of paper. and u just topple, so very easily. how hard is it to try to stand upright? why not u try to keep a sheet of A4 paper upright/standing.

vulnerability is the question. i derive strength from my inner self and from my close ones. now the strength i receive from myself is getting weaker and weaker, i no longer seem to be able to draw energy from within. and my second source is totally lacking. family ya, it's there all the time. but friends.

im not nagging or wad u know. but this is the upteempth time im bringing this up. friendship means a lot to me cos it's just the way im made to be. but the qualities ive been bestowed upon to seek this strength restricts me from doing so totally. i tried hard, and i mean a lot harder than what i used to be, but it just seems to be an uphill task. why cant i just find close friends this year? was it really a wrong decision to decide to mix around with everyone and be more all-rounded and sticking to a particular group all the time? now i feel that im getting nowhere. theres no small group for me to lean upon, and i still havent reached the stage where i can be frens with everyone, for the very fact im not made to be so i guess.

i dont think anyone have that deep a sense of friendship as me. as im typing this last part, tears are falling again. stop calling me weak. why not think it in a different way and say, this guy values friendship a lot and needs it. give it to him. i beg of u, cant u all just try. i tried u know, i really did. when am i going to see results of my labour at all?

am i going to do work for nothing again?