actually wanted to train till 75% de, but since i stumbled upon kg's blog, so decided to post loh. maple can wait.

so can chem ilp, phy test, gpp, maths tutorial.

i wonder if my mum is correct. one night she suddenly like randomly tell me not to get addicted to games. then i was telling her i wont be the kind who will play then not eat not bahte not sleep stone at comp whole day that kind. then die off de. but to think again, arent i spending too much time on it already? i used to be able to cope with my ccas, cos there were no games and it was just school, ccas, class. (a bit no life, but thats besides the pt) then now with the intro of playing again, i feel that ive compromised my studies for it... at least i havent reach the stage that i wanna pon cca to go back and play. not till that bad yet.

so i hope i really can control myself during the hols and really dont just stone in front of comp the whole day la. on the no-life side: got block tests. on the got-life side: can go out with ppl, go kbox, movie, shopping wadeva. so why choose a machine over all that? haha, im actually scolding myself. weird. but nvm, blogs are not meant to be very normal anyway. when ppl tok abt themselves and their lives, contradictions happen.

ok, a mini side track (though v impt).

last sat b4 jts i went with my mum and her fren to "shop" (oh the young boyboy days where i tagged along wherever my mum went). actually it's just to change a pair of pants. then her fren saw me, the first line SUPER hurting la. "wah, your son getting a little plumper ah." thankfully my mum learnt her famous reply from so many yrs of defending me getting niaoed, "oh, he's tall ma, so nvm one." but hey hey hey, that line is embedded into me liao. im going to do something abt it. hopefully it works out.

it's abt 1am liao. and i havent done wad i was supposed to do today, my ilp. i dunno wad im actually going to do now exactly. pia or slp? ill decide later. but as u all know, being the lagger, confirm leave till tml one la... sianssss. and tml got comm serve, doubly sianssss.

i feel that i can cope with my ccas currently as long as CO and guitar can be understanding for the clashes. but the reason why so is because ive been giving up a long of chances for lots of stuff because of that. im getting a little afraid. on the more practical side, wad if my ccas hinder my want to go try other programmes and i end up with a empty testimonial/portfolio? so many things have gone by me, no matter wad seminars, srp, nrp, centad, h3 maths, chem olympiad, phy olympiad, ocips, all sorts of projects etc, countless. and everything i just brush them off with: im not that interested. but i wonder, is that doing me gd? and im absolutely sure half the people that sign up for these programmes are not the kind who are: OMG i have to get involved in science research. i simply LOVVVVVE science. -or- WOW, maths is like so cool, i wanna be a mathematician in future! i shall use my whole life to attempt to prove that 1+1=3!

you know, that kind of thing. im really lost in wad i wanna do. do i want to make a wonderful portfolio and aim for a scholarship of any sort? or do i want to truly enjoy my jc life in doing things i like, and making the best out of it non-academically? im caught in the middle now. and the losing end of it, pretending to want to enjoy jc life purely yet worrying abt wad ill get out of these 2 years. i think ive exercised my choice-making not really to the optimum, so still wondering hmm. but for now, since ive made the various decisions, i shall stick to them, and even if dont get scholarship nvm lo. many successful ppl do not need to be superb in studies, or even the so called all-rounder: studies all full marks, president of ccas, excellent conduct, friends simply love him/her, juggles everything better than a clown.

haha. consolation i guess.

and back to kg's post. i think my results arent exactly fascinating either. in fact it's nowhere near acceptable. i guess ive been too slack. yes i told myself, this yr in jc, i must get more of a life, and not go and study/do hmk/do ilp/revise that kinda thing. (not that i used to be liddat) but now, my results are a bit worrying. what if block tests are like that? or even worse promos? dont tell me i got to retain for 1 yr. so im really a bit scared la, in some sense. of cos i dont expect to top the class (it's like impossible with so many zai ppl around), but at least be a bit above average, and get results im reasonably satisfied can le. that kinda thing. my own standard ill say. if i reach it im happy already le...

ya. so jiayous to myself and everyone who doesnt wish to retain lol.

and abt telling myself to be more sociable and stuff, i really dunno if i have improved or anything. actually im stoning here for abt 1 min la, cos i really dunno what to say. i think im still relatively ok with the class (i think), but somehow i just dont fit into anyone's gd fren list. im just like everyone's aquaintance, and thats it. i really miss the times where ppl can initite convo with u, and come to u to tok or crap and stuff. how many times do i get to hear my name everyday? it's practically less than 5. because i end up being the one calling ppl's name and trying to talk to them. i really dunno whats wrong leh. perhaps i just dont leave an impression in ppl bah. in 5 yrs time, mebbe no one in the class can rmb me.

or even mebbe i try too hard. just meng try to initiate convo, but everything gets stony halfway and just fades off. it's that kind of i ask, you reply monosyllabillic answers and the convo ends. is this still considered little? or im trying too hard? why cant ppl rmb me or anything. im like super insignificant to ppl, to society, to this world.

mind you, im not asking ppl to like call my name everyday. it's just an analogy of how ppl tok to me instead of the other way round.

i think i cant be funny or entertaining or anything, so thats why ppl just fade away from me easily. i hope i can find a grp of ppl, no matter how small, that go for the inner part of ppl, with more care, share, thinking. something thats deeper within urself and not that superficial. pardon me for using that word.

i looked at the previous line for 3 minutes. forget wad i said. im just made to fail in inter-personal relations. just lemme indulge in my own miserable world.

*as night gets later, moodiness increases*
Kelvin's Law