i have totally no idea wad a bitch ive been over this period of time. so much so that i cant account it and push the blame to stress thats leading for me to do this. the old me and has caught up again. thats really freaky.

i seriously dunno whats the problem with me. am i just fated not to able to make any frens? why do my frenships seem to end up in failure. i guess i know the reason why. but a more pressing question, why just cant i seem to change for the better?

i had so many chances. in lower secondary, thereafter affecting my life in upper secondary. not to forget my fair share of failures in upper sec and now. it's happened again. whats wrong with me? do i have to make frens in such a bitter way?

what has happened to all my promises to myself that ill curb all the unneccesary sensitiveness? all the unnecessary pettiness? even more, all the unneccesary sarcasm??? i dunno why. I SERIOUSLY DUNNO WADS THE FREAKING PROBLEM WITH ME.

is that the reason why i just cant seem to make frens properly? i mean, who would want to make frens with a petty selfish sarcastic bitch? boy, do i hate myself. so many lessons and i dont have to seem to have changed. even worse when there are ppl around me to truthfully remind me of all the things ive done and taken from ppl.

why do i always seem to take things from ppl and be so mindful when ppl do likewise? i really dont understand why either. do i really have to care so much if ppl lose my notes, dirty it, or meng ask me to print stuff, or ask me to treat to drinks, or borrow money? it doesnt exactly take my life right? what is exactly wrong with this person over here. it's as though i don't deserve any frens. being this jerk that i am.

i think ive just answered the questions in my past post abt why i just cant seem to befriend X or Y. cos it's so obvious man, who would want to talk to someone like that. or even get close at all. i personally dont know how ive got past these 8 months. hah, i guessed ive been just living on ppl's courtesy and politeness that we shouldnt end a frenship so soon. just living on all these buffer time and self-indulge that i have frens around me. whee im so loved. yeah right.

seriously, why? why am i so impossibly unchangeable? why must i mind when ppl dont fulfill their promises to reply me on msn when half of the time im online i actually forgot to off my comp and fell asleep instead, leading to ppl not being able to find me? why must i mind if ppl are happily attached and have their future goals and aims to achieve, louis vuitton handbags and here i am being this sour grape and indulge myself in "oh im so lonely" kind of crap? CAN I JUST MOVE ON IN LIFE. if that happens, so be it! give them ur blessings, and just get lost man. who needs u around. no one appreciates that unneccessary sarcasm, bitchiness, that fucked-up person over there la.

i wonder how much has ppl been taking in. all my nonsense and shit. why can ppl keep quiet abt my flaws and suckiness and everything, but i must voice them all out? am i out to downgrade ppl? just to lift myself higher? as though im better off? to be truthful, perhaps i just am u know. thats such a despicable act. i really dunno wads come over me man. wads that prob abt making myself better? so? impress ppl. hah. like real. more of putting ppl off.

being the youngest child, and having siblings much older, i guess ive been brought up as though i was an only child with 4 parents. i think ive been too spoilt. so much so that ppl are just leaving me. i really dont get the logic, why am i like this despite my need in my character for close frens? arent i just driving them away? why must i be so overpossessive again? why must i care so much if frens just dont call me out for an outing or wad? dont these happen all the time, both ways? why must i mind so much if i cant achieve the ideal situation where 3 of my closest frens in the class can come together and have a meal quietly instead of one big crowd at somewhere else? i mean, i did not know we were celebrating wen sheu's bdae, if not i would have gone too, thats for sure. but for a normal meal, is there anything wrong? why must i think "whats their prob if we cannot squeeze into a table, just split la"? wheres the class spirit and all? yes, we should be sitting together in one table, despite restricted movements. is all these mini inconveniences so unbearable for just 30-45 min? wads my prob man. why must i insist on small numbers all the time? is it cos i dont seem to shine in a big grp as i just lack the charisma, so im like dying for ppl to listen to me, wanting a small outing so much? i dont think im that attention seeking. but why? why cant i just break out from my life now, and attempt something all new? like trying to mix around more? like trying to speak up more in a crowd despite ppl disagreeing with u and stuff?

argh, that brings me to another pt. why am i always failing to convince ppl? why do i seem to mind so much if ppl just want to debate against me and prove me wrong? if i cant win then so be it la, im just plain lousy at it. why bother thinking so much and getting worked up over it? areas in eloquency and language that im lacking, i can make up in other areas right? why do i just want to excel in these superficial aspects?

i miss having a small group of frens where we can just chill out together almost all the time. im always so envious of wensi, she can mix around with the class like anything, yet still achieving the exact same effect im looking for, having this small grp of frens that can go out and study and talk crap and share stuff and even stayover together. me? im apparently failing in both. mixing around with the class, considered still ok after putting in extra effort. i really mean it cos i really tried very very hard to try and mingle with the class. as for having a few close knitted frens, thats a total failure. i tried a grp of frens, but in the end it just didnt seem to work out cos i just dont seem to fit in. im not into soccer, not strategy games either. after that i tried to join another in going out and kbox and stuff. it's also the same, no progress as they were already close knitted b4 my "invasion" and now my existence in like non-existent cos they can perfectly co-exist without me. i wont have stuff like, "where's jiahao?" kind of thing, cos im just totally not making an impression. now im stuck in the middle, where the first grp was in danger of tearing up with this daoing war. and now still tearing up practically cos the daoing war has ended. i really dunno wad to do. it's that kind of situation u die either way ("would u prefer being burnt at the stake or lethal injection?"). second grp, i really dunno if im even part of them in the first place. nicknames can just fly all over the place showing how close they are ("shan" "mummy" "boonsi" etc) and im kinda forever out of that clique.

just wanted to end off by saying. although i am bitchy, sucky, irritating, selfish, self-concious, despicable, petty, sarcastic, i am lonely too. i seriously would like a grp of frens who are close knitted and can simply do everything together. as wad someone who is one of my closer frens in the class has said, i may treat them as my very gd frens, or even best frens, but they may not treat me as so. and that someone also said he doesnt want to be tied down by a few frens thats all.

actually i realised something, mebbe that shows that ive been looking for the wrong frens so far? where are those frens who i can stick to all the time? wad has happened to all those 4-5 hr phone calls, msn convos up to 4am, going out and catching movies, being just us 2-3? stayovers up to 3-4 nights in a row? studying together? going to each other's house often and staying till 2am even? or at the very least stay for dinner and leaving abt 8-9pm?

must it always be big groups of 10 and above?

i suddenly feel like calling someone now. argh, breakdown moments again.