Saturday, March 03, 2007
HYPOCRITE.
this word has been ringing in my head for years. sometimes i cant help but think, why do certain ppl call me that? is it really so that my way of making friends with ppl, my way of networking, my way of socialising, my way of dealing with interpersonal issues have been wrong through and through?
i really dunno. totally lost. i forgot abt the time when i first got to learn abt that word, but i really got to feel the impact of having someone call u that in sec 2. and once in sec 4. and now it's happened again.
is it some continuous cycle? am i fated to meet ppl who i try to be close to but end up labelling as a hypocrite and ending a friendship like that? i really dunno. does the fault really lie so deep in me? so much so that after a span of 4 years, and 2 incidents, and i still cannot learn from my mistakes? am i just born to be a hypocrite or something? im clueless.
it's not a nice feeling to have this term haunting u for 4 years. but it's really not within my character to be straightforward and direct to ppl. i just cant say it straight out like, "ok yes. u suck. chanel handbags totally. just go to hell." wad else could i do other than just keeping silent when some things ppl do or say is directed at others. im not the kind who'll go "you dont say this abt him/her. u are the one that is at fault." and when ppl start to find out that u are after all not siding with him/her, u get labelled as a hypocrite. thats the main reason why ppl call me that, cos i try not to make any enemies on any side.
so i get my retribution by ending up making enemies on both sides?
that's just me wad. if there can be ppl so straightfoward they are practically aiming daggers at ppl, there can also be ppl who tries to shield everyone, and not choosing to take either side strongly. why do these ppl have to be labelled as hypocrites? is it any wrong just to keep silent and maintain the peace being withheld now? will it be any better if u sided with someone and totally break off all connections with the other side?
so im a hypocrite. does that mean u all are asking me to be direct and cutting and hurt ppl in the process? why cant i just be the middleman and not disrupt the peace?
i really dunno la. if im apparently a hypocrite, then there's nth u can do. cos there's nth i can do either. maybe im just doomed to be labelled as that forever. maybe im really one.
so many maybes... but there's one thing for certain. i HATE the word. TOTALLY. i may lose a friend in the near future. but i dunno wad to do either. hopefully, it'll never happen. it never ceases to amaze me how impt friendships are to me. but wad can i do? frowns and tears are not going to solve any matters.
i dont want anyone to hate me. i seriously dont...
voodoo-ed and killed at 1:16 AM
VOODOO-ED.
life is like a needle.
a voodoo needle.
it pricks.
and it hurts.
every passing day,
it will find its way to prick me.
the moment i felt
the lethal injection enter my body,
i knew it was over.
this curse has been embedded into me,
not going to be lifted anytime soon.
for the next couple of decades at least.
it's too late.
don't start regretting.
the curse of life begins.
everything is no longer the same,
anymore.
try to accept it.
(i know i'm trying.)
i've been voodoo-ed.
and now,
i'm just waiting
for the effects to take place,
for the day to come.
waiting, for the curse to befall upon me.
simply waiting,
to meet my doom.
life's never the same again.
i'm voodoo-ed. and killed.
