there. after holding it back like 3 times in the past two weeks, i can't control it anymore. and just let it go. seriously, i dunno why i havent done it the first time. all the wrong times perhaps. and now is the right time. mebbe thats why.

and i thought i was ok. apparently not. and although i tell myself it seems to get better day after day, i think in actual fact it is getting worse and worse. thought to myself that i found out all the reasons causing my unhappiness, but seems that i havent found them all. feeling ups and downs, but not knowing the reason why. this time i'm totally clueless.

need some quiet time to myself and be alone bah i guess. need a break from all the efforts to smile and trying to pretend everything's alright. i know im not a good actor at all, but i do try. but i doubt i can continue tml. hopefully i still do.

but really amidst all these, yesterday's hcco qing gong yan really made me feel very happy. and i really enjoyed myself. though it may seem like a simple gathering of hcco members, the seniors and juniors, and just turning the whole place into a gambling den liddat (lol), the meaning behind it, at least to me, is great.

haha thanks to tanbo juniors for ur nice gifts, with that very huggable cushion and set of messages from all of u. was reading them on the bus on the way back and felt very gan dong haha. YOU GUYS ROCK! =) hope u like the cds we prepared for u all!

farewell to szuan zhiguang peizhi koymin michelle jielun yanzhi shixian kengwei weishi tingjun. you have been a real fun junior batch and i really enjoyed ur company for these 7 months. time always seem to fly when u are enjoying urself, and goodbye seems to be the hardest word. but still, it has to be said. CYA juniors! MAY THE LEGACY OF HORNY UNITED LAST FOREVER AND EVER!

as for fellow batchmates, u have been a wonderful bunch as well, with quite a number i've known all the way since sec 1. esp tanbo peeps. u all been wonderfully fun to have and i'm gonna miss all the tanbo outings and fun we've had. chanel handbags lionel yuting samuel shouhao chuanhan stella weiquian marilyn zhangxin siewching jiani. u all are really the most ZAI bunch of ppl and i'm really glad to have known you all =D we'll get to come together someday de, i'm sure. hahas.

here's a song from way back since i was in pri sch and we used it for our p6 farewell party. but the lines just seem so apt for this occasion, so here i am writing it out again.

Vitamin C - Graduation (Friends Forever)

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We would get so excited and we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

[Chorus]
As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

[Repeat Chorus]

La, la, la, la:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

[Repeat Chorus (3x)]

and i was telling myself not to emo abt leaving hcco. lol.