hmm, haven't been back here for abt 2 months. been meaning to update this blog with happy notes from my recent perth trip. it was really quite enjoyable, considering the fact that it's my first trip not with family or school, and done in a roadtrip style. meaning renting a car and travelling on our own, free and easy. and to add to the firsts, going with ruiyuan and his 2 camp mates, meaning 2 others that i only met for the first time at the airport before leaving for the trip. lol.

but shall leave that for another time bah. oh yeah, i will upload my photos to facebook soon. hopefully lol.

well, one big news in our platoon. hongchuan ord le. haha definitely happy for him, couldnt help but share in his joy in the last week he was around, all the way till he flashed his pink ic at us. and then he's prob not stepping into keat hong camp again le. now mr koh is prob enjoying his civilian life out there, while the rest of us continue to slog it out in camp and lead the normal mundane life we have been leading.

that's where the problem comes in. with someone in the platoon ord-ing, one will tend to wonder about his future plans and prospects. and that's when thoughts abt your own future start to flood your head. although my ord isn't exactly in sight, considering i'm ptp batch, but cross-referring to hongchuan's plans, as well as various others in the platoon, esp the nov ord personnel, i can't help but start worrying about my future. school isn't for another 8 months after ord, and i dont even know i still have any more shots at going overseas. but i'll still try la.

meanwhile, i'm not going to rot at home, am i? i'll prob have to find something. probably everyone else thinks like this. but do what? hah, i'll be surprised if no one ponders abt that. for me, i know myself, i'm more suited for desk bound jobs cos i'm the more passive kind. but should i stick to my comfort zone, or should i take this opportunity to broaden my experiences and try out something more challenging? confused and clueless about this. been wanting to do relief teaching for these few months prob since i enlisted bah. but now that the time has come to realise this "wish" of sorts, i suddenly come to think that i'm lost. seeing ppl like foo and hz, having established good ties with teachers in the past schools they have studied, now facing much less of a problem than me, louis vuitton handbags who cannot do anything like approaching past school teachers and hoping they can help to get me a spot. for years, i was just the average student, existing under the radar, not outstanding at all to make teachers notice me, yet not getting into too much trouble to make teachers remember me as well. i'm just this forgettable student that all my teachers probably forgot they had the year after they taught me. so seriously, how high are my chances of clinching a teaching job for the bulk of this post-ord period? i seriously dunno.

then sometime this week, happened to chance upon a convo foo was making with wing abt another possible job offer at de coder's cafe. it struck me as a really good opportunity as i felt i could develop a passion in it, and it's a job that not only focuses on work, but some play too. most importantly, i thought it was the ideal job for me to explore out of my comfort zone, while not being overly challenging as some commission-based salesperson job at some gigantic electronic store or something. i'll prob just shrivel up and die in such jobs. after tonight's "interview" of sorts, felt more convicted it was quite a good job in terms of job experience, but started to worry abt whether i could cope with a full time job (really hopefully teaching), and this as a part time. ok la, this may sound like i'm super desperate for income (which i wont deny i'm not, just not THAT desperate), but what i probably have in mind is to fully utilise my time and gain as much experience i can get, in a couple of different working environments. it's also a test of my time management i guess.

ahh then there comes this problem of having probably no life lol. ok theoretically speaking, there is a way after precise calculation to have quite some time to hang out with friends and all. but im not sure by then, mentally, after taking up hopefully both jobs, ill still be able to have the energy to go out or anything. so this is one thing's thats been a little troubling, cos i wont want to give up either job opportunity.

so it's like there are still 3 months more to ord (damn long!), and there's so much to worry abt the future already. actually like wad bok said, sometimes leading a very mundane routine life in ns, albeit full of last minute stunts due to extreme inefficiency, may not be that bad after all, cos ultimately i guess u still can push all the blame and complain all u want abt the routine. however, when ur post-ord life screws up, there's nothing else to blame le. u now take full control of ur life, after being bossed around and under command for the past 2 years. it's a really strange feeling, u know, having to take back ur life and take charge of it solely upon the collection of ur pink ic. that's what hongchuan did and i'm really glad to see that he's done really ample preparation, with instant job offers upon ord, and uni all worked out for him le.

i wish i was half as well planned as him and a couple of others in the platoon. but well, at least it works as some motivation, and i feel inspired to try and clear the influx of thoughts and worries clouding my head, and hoping to arrive at a feasible and most beneficial solution to my life after ord.

argh i hate this feeling. lost and clueless, aimlessly wandering about. i just hope this only occurs in my head and not come to reality next year.

driving is another major headache. on top of my mega slow progress leading to lots more lessons (aka more money), it means that i have to spend even more money to renew my pdl and membership, and even even more if i have take a break of sorts in dec if i were to go on holiday with my family, and possible 6d also. it's also not helping that slots i want are never available, or they are only available at the very inappropriate timings. it seriously sucks to face this dilemma. and i havent even begun to worry abt whether im proficient enough or my skills are good enough to pass the test YET.

social circle wise, also not doing fantastically either. though it's good that through the trip, got to know sihan and kheng ming, 2 new friends, and having relatively frequent class and platoon outings for the past couple of wkends, and a nice touch to meet some tanbo peeps for a movie last sun, haven't really seen ryan and samuel for some time. guess it's always this clash of schedules that makes it real hard for meetups, and medicine is forever busy i suppose. felt quite bad that couldnt celebrate sam's bdae on the actual day, and finding it hard to find a day to actually do so. also havent met junzhi for some time cos of the trip, wonder if the studying's going ok. i also dunno if this sun can end up meeting, cos got some last minute family stuff. thinking about all these makes me can't help but ponder abt the previous thought, how much am i missing out on catching up with my friends if i take up jobs to fully occupy my time? it's this balance thats important and at the same hard so hard to grasp, and i'm scratching my head till it's bleeding over this issue.

ok la, i'm probably trying to squeeze too much into the 24 hours i have each day. call me ambitious or what, but all i'm trying to do is just to ensure i dont waste my life away loh. i really dont like the feeling of stoning at home the whole day from day to night, only to realise at night that nothing's been accomplished the whole day, except mebbe a few more episodes of drama watched, a few more quizzes done on facebook, a few more blog entries read, and tv or gaming galore the whole day. it's just not my kind of life i guess.

argh dunno why im feeling so stressed up over this lah. it's just a bit overwhelming and im having a little difficulty coping with all the possible prospects when there's still 3 months more to go (super long lahhhhh urgh). i think it's just the mentality that i only got this 8 months once, and i should not just let it go to waste, cos many things can be done in this period of time.

at a loss now. hope it will all clear up soon.

anyway, here's a song i heard recently. been on a eng song spree ever since the perth trip cos most of the songs during the trip were played from kheng ming's ipod plugged into the car. which are mainly quite nice songs from daughtry, jason mraz, lady gaga etcetc.

Green Day - 21 Guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I